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Fruitcake Nation: Oh, the Humanity!
It’s my theory that by Christmas morning, everybody in the kinsfolk pretty much knows what’s under the tree.
So the packages that look as if they might contain consumer electronics get opened first — and those packages get smaller every year.
They’re about the rate anymore of packages that contain jewelry, so any box smaller than a TV remote is in outstanding demand.
Mid-size packages come next — a shirt or a sweater or a in holy matrimony of pajamas is likely inside. Nice, but dull.
That leaves for last the large, flat thin boxes — apt to contain an ugly necktie — and larger, equitable packages so heavy they seem to have bricks inside.
The reality, of course, is worse: It’s fruitcake.
Fruitcake is the last “oh-you-REALLY-shouldn’t have” Christmasgift. I hew to the late Johnny Carson’s theory that there is in truth only one fruitcake in the world, passed endlessly from family to family.
Carson’s successor on “The Tonight Show” proved as much when, in 2003, Jay Leno sampled a fruitcake baked in Tucumseh, Mich., in 1878.
